Vote for the Outdoor Party on election day
By DARREN MARCY | October 26,2012
Here we are a week and a half away from the general election that will “determine the future of our country” and all I know is I wouldn't want to go hunting, fishing or camping with either of those bozos.
Even if you took away the swagger, attitude and sneers, and could somehow prevent them from being pompous, boorish and boring, I would still quickly wade up river the way Paul Maclean (Brad Pitt) did in “A River Runs Through It,” when forced to fish with a guy he's not too fond of to get away from the boorish cad Neal Burns (watch the movie).
It seems that every four years we hold this electoral event that one party or the other — usually the one trying to wrest power away from the incumbent — invariably labels, “the most important election of our lifetime,” or “a vote that will determine the fate of our country.”
I feel lucky to have had 11 such monumental events in my lifetime. I don't remember much about the elections in 1968 or 1972, but I have no doubt they were “the most important ever held.” At least to that point.
Ironically, after the election it is required, by law I believe, for the losing party to complain bitterly about the winners cheating and subverting the system, even though both parties used the same underhanded, dirty tricks.
Every four years I realize that what's missing in our two-party system is, actually, a third party. In the primaries, they go to their respective corners and try to out-crazy fellow members of their own party. Then they come out for the general and try to convince voters that they are actually more like the other party then their own candidate.
What you end up with are Demoblicans and Republicats. An amorphous blob that looks like a politician but with better hair. (Unless you're referring to Bernie Sanders.)
What we need is a candidate with bad hair. Or no hair. Someone who is always wearing an Orvis cap so we don't know what his hair looks like would be nice.
We need The Outdoor Party.
There's more to winning elections than hair, however.
Apparently you have to learn to be nasty. I mean, kick you out of camp in a snowstorm in the middle of the night, nasty.
Thanks to elections like this one (and every other election throughout history) it's clear we don't just need a viable third party, it's absolutely imperative we come up with alternatives to the status quo to prevent me from shooting holes in my television, which — I'm pretty sure — would upset my daughters.
We need a political organization that stands above the fray; that respects itself, the process and the voters; a political party that doesn't owe any political favors; and will actually keep all promises if elected.
We need a party that will stop the campaign bus to try a few casts into a fishy-looking spot and let the dog out. We need a candidate who'll give up the tired gimmick of the coffee shop and, instead, step inside a baitshop, or grab some tailgate and a honey bun to talk about how the fish are biting.
We need The Outdoor Party, folks.
The Outdoor Party was formed in 2000 while trying to stay awake as George “Dubya” Bush beat Al “Internet” Gore in a hand of Supreme Court poker.
As the party chairman — and so far, only member and candidate — I've run for president in 2000, 2004 and 2008. I've also run for governor, and a variety of offices at the federal, state and local level. So far, I have a perfect record.
In fact, while I have your attention, let me announce my intention to run for governor of Vermont. I'm clearly the best choice and I could live on the wage.
I watched video of Gov. Shumlin fishing last spring.
And who in their right mind would pick a fight with bears over a bird feeder while in his skivvies? Not me. Hey guv, take your bird feeder down next spring, would ya?
I've not heard a single word from Randy Brock about hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, biking or any of the other topics that Vermonters care about. That tells me he's not a candidate with any new ideas.
Clearly, there's a lack of leadership at the state and federal level.
Unfortunately, a fistful of debates have done nothing to help me catch browns on the Batten Kill, or kill a spring gobbler.
And I don't see that changing with Obama or Romney.
However, some people apparently think that voting for me would be a wasted vote. Fine. My record of public service will be intact.
So vote for whichever bum you think will do the best job for the country.
But be sure and vote.
Just don't come whining to me when the fish aren't biting next summer and your candidate is doing nothing about it.
Contact Darren at firstname.lastname@example.org or at his website at www.DarrenMarcy.com.